Greetings, Quarl LaFawnge again. Today’s exhibit in the Museum of Unusual Sentences is sure to

excite: sports sentences! Namely, unusual sports sentences. Enjoy!

The ball snapped the player, whom spread like butter across the field like toast.

Swish! Said the tennis racket, as it lay bestride a sleeping polo horse.

Bowling is the only sport, aside from all of the other sports.

Watch out for my foot, soccer ball! Shouted Pierre as the ball collided with his head.

Strike! Strike! The boxer with the catcher’s mitt asked with exclamation points?

Umpires sleep in packs, like hot dog buns.

Distressed fans of rugby can rejoice! The game is finally over!

Go team go! Go to the bathroom! Hurry!

And that concludes this exhibit from the Museum of Unusual Sentences. Unless then I bid you

you bid I.


Oh, bonjour there. Quarl Lafawnge here yet again, with another exhibit from the Museum of Unusual Sentences. This exhibit illustrates unusual adverb usage. My favorite kind! Enjoy.

The surgeon regarded his patient underfootedly.

“Where’s my ten-gallon hat?” the Prime Minister asked mug of coffeeily.

The tree hung over the schoolyard treeily.

“Caw! Caw! Caw!” the crow crowed crowciferously.

The hitchhiker stuck out her thumb ring-fingerly.

When the clock struck ten, the room was empty, antidisestablishmentarianally.

“Here’s the hundred dollars I owed you,” little Billy said non-verbally.

The car sped around the corner hot-air balloonily.

Thank you thrice again for your patronage to, from, with and wherefore the Museum of Unusual Sentences. As unusually, I am Quarl Lafawnge.


Hello again, and welcome back to the Museum of Unusual Sentences. I am head curator of the museum, Quarl Lafawnge. Please enjoy our latest exhibit, Unusual Sentences in American History.

Tippecanoe and Tyler Too is a shortened version of Tippecanoe and Tyler Too, Not to Mention Alice and Jimmy and Beardy McBeebeard and Chatto the Talking Mime and Their Horses.

“I cannot tell a lie,” said young George Washington. “This pudding tastes like vomit.”

The Civil War pitted brother against brother, and in the event of an only child, brother against imaginary brother.

The first American flag was based on a dream Betsy Ross had, and originally had more dinosaurs on escalators and bears eating egg salad sandwiches.

“Go west, young man,” intoned Horace Greeley. “Someday you’ll be Errol Flynn.”

A hush fell over Gettysburg, like a humongous box full of bells and fragile china falling down a long flight of stairs, but much, much quieter.

“Really, now, Mary Todd, this has gone far enough,” Abraham Lincoln said, angrily tapping his foot. “Give me back my beard.”

“As a gift to you, America, here is the Statue of Liberty,” said the nation of France. “We named it after your super-cool trick football play.”

Thanks for joining me at the Museum of Unusual Sentences, I’m Quarl LaFawnge. Good night, and gingerbread walrus sneeze, everyone.

The Museum of Unusual Sentences

Hello! Welcome to the Museum of Unusual Sentences! I am head curator of the museum, Quarl Lafawnge. I know my name must seem strange to you, but it is very common in my homeland of Swedish Falls, Wisconsin. Do enjoy our latest exhibit, Unusual Sentences from Recipes.

Add seventeen end-tablespoons of Piano Juice, simmer until September.

If you haven’t any wheat flour, substitute swimming lessons or your neighbor’s newspaper.

Bring to a boil, and leave it there. We guarantee it will never write you a postcard.

Preheat the oven before reading this recipe and set the timer for Abraham Lincoln.

Bread crumbs will do in a pinch, but not in a pillow fight.

Always remember to never forget.

Stir counterclockwise, unless you can’t tell time, in which case stir counterclockwise.

If your Pineapple Upside Down Cake cannot be seen in a mirror, do not eat it! It is actually Vampire Upside Down Cake, which is dangerous and usually too dry.

Thank you, I hope you can join me again at the Museum of Unusual Sentences. Until then, I bid you tuxedo ceiling fan.