I’m the Santa of High Fives
I’ll slap them low or high
But only if you’re good
And you do as you should
If not, my answer’s no
Or at least, too slow, Joe
I’m the Santa of High Fives
I’ll slap them low or high
But only if you’re good
And you do as you should
If not, my answer’s no
Or at least, too slow, Joe
Santa’s belly
Shakes when he chuckles
Like a bowl full of jelly
Or a bag full of knuckles
Or a sack full of kittens
Or a drawer full of fishes
Or electrified mittens
Or precarious dishes
I say this because
If you couldn’t telly
Is that Santa Claus
Has one crazy belly
Santa’s sled
Is bright red
His reindeer fed
His sled they led
The stars he shred
Good cheer he spread
To Ethel and Fred
Then home to bed
To sleep like the dead
It’s snowy white
That Santa’s beard
Unlike the night
That he appeared
Beside the fireplace
Leaving treats
And in a blink’s space
He beat feets
But his beard lingered
In my mind
As my stocking fingered
The treats I’d find
Santa’s hat
Is rather fat
To fit his heavy head
But you never did
Peep Santa’s lid
Because you were in bed
Cuz Santa’s cap
Knows when you nap
And when you are awake
And with that
Don’t cross his hat
Or your toys he’ll take!
Greetings, Crime Stoppers! Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you all, from your favorite Dark Knight, The Batman. As I look out upon the snow-speckled roofs of Gotham City, my Bat-Eyes scanning for criminal activity, I feel the need to clear up a few misconceptions surrounding me. These rumors seem to crop up especially at this time of year, so I felt this was the perfect time to address them.
I do not smell. My Bat-Suit is awash in a Bat-Musk which smells of sandalwood, vanilla and a hint of bat.
Robin has not, nor will he ever lay an egg. As a human male, he is incapable of doing so. And if, say, The Penguin built an Egg Lay Ray and blasted Robin with it, I have a Bat-De-Egg-Layer shot to counteract it.
The last time a Batmobile lost a wheel, we installed a Bat Homing Device to ensure we’d never lose a wheel ever again. Ever. Again.
The Joker, sadly, has gotten away. Several times. But this is no time for celebration. When The Joker gets away, Robin and I do not shout, “Hey,” in a festive Bat Unison. We shout, “Hey,” in despair and Bat Alarm. As should all citizens who hate crime.
Anyhow, I hope this clarifies a silly schoolyard song. Batman out!
The elfish on the shellfish is filled with elation
As he helps himself to more and more crustacean.
While the others are working, this playful imp
Is eating Santa’s secret stash of jumbo shrimp.
He knows he’ll be punished if one comes across
This elf with his shrimp and his cocktail sauce.
But he doesn’t mind, he’s filled with glee
As he stuffs his face with this snack of the sea.
The toys the kids get might smell a bit fishy
But they’ll never tell because children aren’t dishy.
The elf need not worry as he eats his shellfish
He’s naughty, not sharing and being so selfish.
“Jingle Bells, The Squash Smells, But He Smells Real Good!” sang Eugene Spratt as he placed the Christmas cookie and milk on the fireplace. There had been five gingerbread cookies on the plate for Santa, but four of them had mysteriously vanished. It was a mystery worthy of the greatest gourd-based superhero, The Squash, but he was on vacation. Christmas vacation! After defeating a cakepire, Triffid, Ladybug Lady and many other crazy creatures whose adventures will be recounted another time, Eugene was ready for a break. Plus, Christmas was exciting enough. Sitting by the fireplace, the glow of the multi-colored Christmas tree lights the only illumination, he dreamed of the morning to come. What presents would he open? A life-size ice cream truck? A banjo? A cheese and sausage basket? A travel coffee mug? A fake moustache kit? Who knew, except for Santa Claus. And that was Eugene’s cue.
“Time for bed,” he said, just as his parents came in to suggest that very thing. Eugene had to be careful with his Squash-like powers (such as ESP, or Extra-Squashlike-Perception), since his parents didn’t know about his superhero identity. “I’m just so excited,” he added, cleverly covering up his faux-pas.
“Off to bed with you,” his mother laughed. “Wait, what happened to Santa’s cookies?”
“Boy, am I tired!” Eugene said, making his way to his bedroom. Stomach full of cookie, head of dancing sugar plums, Eugene crawled into bed. “I cannot wait for Christmas day, I don’t know how I’ll-“ he started.
The next thing he knew, the house was dark and quiet. Almost quiet. There was a scratching at Eugene’s window. For a moment, Eugene was disoriented. His eyes adjusted, and his brain unfuzzed and he realized it was still Christmas Eve night. He went to the window to see what the scratching was, only slightly afraid of what he’d find.
“Ho, ho, ho! Hello there!” the familiar figure in the tree called out. “Eugene Spratt, it is I, Santa Claus! You remember, from the mall and the street corner. I’ve crashed my sleigh into your birch tree, and I could use your assistance.”
“Hi, Santa. First of all, big fan. Second of all, I’m not sure what I can do to help you in your predicament. I mean, I’m just a small boy in the fourth grade. What can I do to help you?”
“Ho, ho, ho! Please, Eugene, you forget. I am Santa, I see all. I know of your super-heroic exploits. I’ve read about them on a blog.”
“You’re the one who reads that blog?”
“The one and only, but listen Eugene! I need you to help me out of this tree. Otherwise, you see, I’ll be unable to deliver presents and Christmas will be ruined. Ho, ho, ho!”
Eugene thought quick. Throwing on his robe and slippers, he leapt from his bedroom window onto the snowy lawn. Shooting a vine from his hand, he pulled the branch back as far as he could, and let go. The sleigh flung through the air, freed from the tree. “Thank you, Squash! And Meeeeerry Christmas! Ho, ho, ho! Green Giant away!”
“Thank you, Santa! Have a Happy New Year!” Eugene said. And they did.
POSTSCRIPT: Eugene had an awesome Christmas! A life-sized banjo! A moustache basket! An ice cream kit! The End!
Welcome to a new feature on Cotton Candy Beard, the CCB List! Today’s list is (almost) seasonally appropriate, as it relates to Christmas. We here at CCB were fortunate enough to get our hands on a highly edifying list. It dates back to 459 BC, way back when Santa Claus was just getting started. He’d recently acquired reindeer from the Furry Non-People Creatures Rescue League. He had to come up with names for each of them, to avoid confusion. At first, he called them all Peggy, but since there were eight of them, this was a chaotic system. Here is a list of what were ultimately rejected names (the reindeer were named by Clement C. Moore, days later.)
1. Christmas Yves
2. Rein-bow Connection
3. Lando Calculicious
4. Derek Verboten
5. Ouroboros Borealis
6. Rudolph
7. Ol’ Horned Head
8. Baby Horned Head
9. Yuppie Horned Head
10. Senor Arturo FuertePants
11. Nicky the Mustache
12. Brenda iBrowse
13. Smasher
14. Splasher
15. Brasher
16. Fixion
17. Meteor
18. Cherub
19. Schwander
20. Peggy
Dear Santa,
Please send me sixteen shrunken heads
And forty-four nails for my bed
An atom bomb, some toxic waste
Gorilla brains with salt to taste
A hunchback who will do my bidding
Needle and thread (but not for knitting
They’re to keep my head attached
So I won’t wake to find it snatched!)
A werewolf to howl at the moon
A haunted flute or cursed bassoon
An iron maiden, extra ferrous
A silly hat to kid-embarrass
And for my bridge an ugly troll
Or else you could just give me coal!
I wouldn’t care, I’m not that haughty
I promise I’ve been extra naughty
Goodness and I never commingle
I swear to it, Mr. Kringle.
My list has reached its denouement, sir.
Sincerely,
I remain,
Monster