1. If you shoot a man in Reno, only do it to watch him die

2. If you shoot a woman in Reno, only do it never.

3. If you shoot a dog in Reno, be prepared to be very, very sad.

4. If you shoot a cat in Reno, I’m impressed! Those cats move fast!

5. If you shoot a film in Reno, do it digitally. It’s cheaper.

6. If you shoot a short in Reno, do it on film. It’s artier.

7. If you short a fuse in Reno, call Bernard. He’s a reliable electrician.

8. If you short a sheet in Reno, short the sheet of your shweetheart.

9. If you shweet your shreet in Reno, be shure to shriek shritely shorn schlopsticks.

10. If your name is Rio, dance along the sand.

1. Never whistle, unless your whistle sounds like a Theremin.

2. Never hum, unless your hum sounds like a laser warming up

3. Never play the trombone, unless sadly

4. Never play the harmonica, unless you play harmonic dirges

5. Never play bongos.

6. Play my patented invention, the Discordian, poorly, to create global discord

7. If you’re incapable of playing the Discordian poorly, go to the Crossroads and make a deal with

the devil for extra evil points!

8. Play the singing saw, as often as you can.

9. Play the screaming saw, even more often.

10. Lastly, your singing voice should be high-pitched to torture dogs.

1. Christmas cardigans are evil. Button-eyed reindeer bore through your soul.

2. Other cardigans are not evil. Especially zippered ones. Too goody-goody

3. High-fives are evil, especially fifty-foot high-fives.

4. Fist bumps are not evil, unless it’s a fist to the face bump!

5. Gloves are not evil, unless fingerless.

6. Gloves with fingers but no palm are not evil, just obnoxious

7. Scarves only with Christmas cardigans.

8. Mix your plaids, and your navy blues and browns.

9. Pullover sweaters are neutral, except deep v-necks. Oh, the hypnotic deep v!

10. Lastly, wear tap shoes everywhere, especially the shower. The acoustics in the shower will send

those taps throughout the neighborhood!

1. Christmas cardigans are evil. Button-eyed reindeer bore through your soul.

2. Other cardigans are not evil. Especially zippered ones. Too goody-goody

3. High-fives are evil, especially fifty-foot high-fives.

4. Fist bumps are not evil, unless it’s a fist to the face bump!

5. Gloves are not evil, unless fingerless.

6. Gloves with fingers but no palm are not evil, just obnoxious

7. Scarves only with Christmas cardigans.

8. Mix your plaids, and your navy blues and browns.

9. Pullover sweaters are neutral, except deep v-necks. Oh, the hypnotic deep v!

10. Lastly, wear tap shoes everywhere, especially the shower. The acoustics in the shower will send

those taps throughout the neighborhood!

1. Don’t do good. This seems like a no-brainer, but if you see an old woman up a tree, or a kitten
crossing the street, don’t attempt to help them. Just point and laugh-evilly!

2. Laugh evilly. With a bwah-ha-ha or a mwah-ha-ha. No tee-hees or ho, ho, hos.

3. Your hair must be unkempt. Kempt hair is a sure sign of goodness, those strands of deadly

deadness must be free to roam about your devious dome.

4. Sip your tea loudly. It will annoy everyone. Everyone!

5. Use lots of z-words, like zip, zap, zoom, and Zantac.

6. Look over your shoulder.

7. Gotcha!

8. Fool people into looking over their shoulder.

9. If you have a robot assistant, the walking someone backward until they trip over your robot

assistant, who’s hunched over is classic evil.

10. Finally, only eat rotten fruit. Frowning bananas, peaches with grudges, strawberries that don’t

tip.