COTTON CANDY BEARD: COMING ATTRACTIONS!

Greetings, faithful readers! My apologies for the sporadic postings over the last couple of months, but I have good news. The coming months will see many, many, many, many updates at the same steady pace you’ve come to know and possibly notice. Here’s a sneak peek at what to expect in the ensuing calendar weeks:

FEBRUARY- Brand-spanking new stories featuring your favorite characters, like The Squash! The Aaardy Boys! Twenty Second Mysteries! Eponymous Hippopotamus! And more! Four more!

MARCH- For sports fans, this month is known as March Madness! At Cotton Candy Beard, we call it Not-Quite-Mad-But-Still-Pretty-Unusual… March. This means we will have new stories featuring your favorite crazy scientists, the benevolent Dr. Edgar Euphonium and the Nefarious Dr. Wilhelm Skreem. Zounds!

APRIL- April is National Poetry Month, so expect to see poems, poems, poems! And you’d better like them- or else! (I will be sad.)

And then May will come around and there will be more, as yet to be planned stuff. Ooh, mysterious! Until then, look forward to more goofy tales and inspiring words. And it’s all happening here! Don’t miss it!

WHOA!

Whoa! So, so, sorry, dear Cotton Candy Beardos. I’m not exactly sure how the Nefarious Dr. Wilhelm Skreem was able to hijack my blog, but thanks to the natural curiosity of clones, we seem to be back online and up and running and all that. Word has it, from Dr. Gertrude Steinway, that he and his clone self were last seen in a dinghy in the middle of Lake Colvig, fighting over the last oar and the last slice of cheeseburger pizza. So, we won’t be hearing from them anytime soon. Or will we?

Anyhow, the badder news, bears, is that we are now working diligently to re-secure the blog and make sure we don’t have any more interruptions like this last one. Currently, I am working on installing a brand new firewall by borrowing some of the fire from the sun, some lava from the Earth’s core and some super hot peppers from Texas. I’m also interviewing circus strongmen to stand guard and keep an eye on website from now on. So, if you know of anyone who fits this description, please send them my way. Unfortunately, due to all of this work, the website will be on hiatus until the New Year. But, look for more exciting tales and silly poems once we come back, I can promise that they will be extra good! And please please please, let me know what you think! Spam comments are about as good for you as the canned meat product for which they are named, and yet they make up the bulk of my commenting community. But, most importantly, enjoy!

MEGA-SUPER-AWESOME-FIFTIETH UPDATEVERSARY

Greetings, faithful readers of my website, whom I affectionately call Cotton Candy Beardos. I am writing you today in honor of a most auspicious event: The 50th Post! In not quite one year, I have made you laugh, learn, relaugh, unlearn and lunge for the back browser button in terror and joy and heartwarming…ness.
I sincerely hope you’ve enjoyed Cotton Candy Beard so far, and that you’ll continue to read it, as I astound and amaze you with feats of storytelling derring-do and and web updates of unbelievable speed and agility. However, I am forced by forces which force me to be forced to stop posting for approximately one month, at which time the forces which are forcing me to be forced will force me with their forcing forces no longer! And then, I shall triumphantly resume posting.
But what, you ask your computer monitor, what will you be posting? I’m glad you asked! Once September rolls around like a log unfettered, twice a week posts will start up again, including a sure to be educational four-part series entitled The Inventions of Dr. Edgar Euphonium.In addition to that will be stories and poems and various other magillas.
Then, prepare to be spooked silly as October will be filled with tales of ghosts, monsters and other frightening folks. To save your nerves, these macabre missives will only be updated once a week, so you won’t tax your terror tarsi. As always, I invite your comments, reviews and illustrations. Thank you!

VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT!!!

We interrupt the serialized saga of Josephine & Daphne’s Summer Vacation for a Very Important Announcement!
Recently, it has come to light that certain rumors have been spread regarding the eating and drinking habits of monsters. Primarily, that monsters drink blood from, shall we say, the derrière, the rumpus, the backside, the buttocks if you will. Let me state in no uncertain terms that this is patently false.
Not only do (most) monsters not drink blood to begin with, if they did (and the few who do) would never, ever drink blood from someone’s backside. It’s considered rude and uncouth and gauche, all of which mean basically the same thing.
Now, I have nothing against monsters, nor do I have anything against rear ends, generally speaking. Most are very gracious and kind (monsters, not rear ends.) The rudest a monster has ever been to me is when I spotted Chadwick, the sea creature at the grocery store and waved at him. He pretended not to notice me, which hurt my feelings, though I’m almost positive it was because he was with his mom.
There are many things a monster can and will do with a posterior, many of which you can bear witness to at dance parties. But none have ever drank blood from a butt, I can tell you that much for certain.
Thank you for your time.

EATEN BY A LION

Eaten by a lion,
Eaten by a lion,
Eaten by a lion,
I would not recommend it.

Chopping off your fingers,
Chopping off your fingers,
Chopping off your fingers,
Not as fun as it sounds.

Getting fried by lasers,
Getting fried by lasers,
Getting fried by lasers,
A good pastime to avoid.

Snorkeling in magma,
Snorkeling in magma,
Snorkeling in magma,
You really think that’s prudent?

Reading Cotton Candy Beard,
Reading Cotton Candy Beard,
Reading Cotton Candy Beard,
Now that’s a brilliant idea.

BIG NEWS!! EXCITING NEW STORYTELLING TECHNOLOGY!!

Did you see that title? Big news is right! How big is it? It’s so big that I will need your help with it. Who’s you? Why, you are, of course! Let me clarify this.

I have been working on some exciting new storytelling technology which I have dubbed, “You Draw It.” As necessity is the mother of invention, this was born out of a necessary, but missing, element of a particular story I was working on. It’s an exciting tale, told in seven parts, which will be posted serially on this very website! However, there is one element I need to make this story perfect, which is pictures. This is where the exciting new storytelling technology comes in. You Draw It is so simple, it’s a wonder no one has ever conceived of it before. What I need from you, dear readers, are illustrations for my story. You can post links for them in the comments, and I will post them to this very site, with your permission.

I have faith that this little experiment will work, but I do need your help. Please provide illustrations for my story (coming very soon!) and we will together prove that I am right. And how nice will that feel for all of us? Very nice indeed.

THE TEAR-STREAKED YETI: A HIATUS

Faithful readers, I bring you news both good and bad. First, the good news. I was enjoying a delicious cup of Lady Grey tea with a very dear friend of mine, the pumpkin-headed, pillbox-hatted socialite Jackie O’Lantern the other day, whiling away the afternoon in her rooftop garden, listening to her recall all the lavish parties and important functions she had attended throughout the years. She was just beginning to describe the dress she wore to the Scarecrow Ball (more on that later) when we were interrupted by the arrival of our mutual friend, monster anthropologist Bananas Foster. He descended from the clouds in his auto-gyro and hopped off as quickly as he could. Bananas can be a very friendly fellow, and he is quite dapper, in his leather jacket and scarf and authentic aviator helmet. But when he is intent on something, he has an unbreakable focus. He marched over to us, and we both offered him tea but he didn’t notice, just launched into a speech regarding the rumors of a new creature in the frozen tundras of the North. The natives call it the Tear- Streaked Yeti, because it is supposedly the saddest abominable snowman in existence. They also claim it is a heartless beast that would swallow you whole without so much as a please or thank you. He asked if we would both be interested in joining his expedition to find the Tear-Streaked Yeti and get the real story. Of course we both jumped at the chance, which leads me to the bad news: we take off for the tundras tomorrow. While I will provide a full report on whatever becomes of us once I return, it will not be for another month.

And so, I apologize for the lack of updates to follow, but rest assured that once I return, so will the new stories. Until then, I must be off. Avanti!

Roll Up! Scroll Up! Read Up! Enjoy Up!

Welcome to Cotton Candy Beard, which is not a catalog or clearinghouse for edible facial hair. Yet.
No, this is a website devoted to providing you with Amazing Tales of Mystery and Adventure! There may also be Life Lessons, Very Special Episodes and Scary Stories! Or there may not. The only way to find out is to keep reading, no matter the odds! And maybe provide some feedback, encouragement, and stories of your own. And illustrations! But I have already said too much. Enjoy!