Greetings, Crime Stoppers! Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you all, from your favorite Dark Knight, The Batman. As I look out upon the snow-speckled roofs of Gotham City, my Bat-Eyes scanning for criminal activity, I feel the need to clear up a few misconceptions surrounding me. These rumors seem to crop up especially at this time of year, so I felt this was the perfect time to address them.

I do not smell. My Bat-Suit is awash in a Bat-Musk which smells of sandalwood, vanilla and a hint of bat.

Robin has not, nor will he ever lay an egg. As a human male, he is incapable of doing so. And if, say, The Penguin built an Egg Lay Ray and blasted Robin with it, I have a Bat-De-Egg-Layer shot to counteract it.

The last time a Batmobile lost a wheel, we installed a Bat Homing Device to ensure we’d never lose a wheel ever again. Ever. Again.

The Joker, sadly, has gotten away. Several times. But this is no time for celebration. When The Joker gets away, Robin and I do not shout, “Hey,” in a festive Bat Unison. We shout, “Hey,” in despair and Bat Alarm. As should all citizens who hate crime.

Anyhow, I hope this clarifies a silly schoolyard song. Batman out!