Once I’ve woven control of the world wide webosphere betwixt my phearsome phalanges, you will only read Wilhelm Skreem-approved material. No more nonsense. No more Nunsense! Just the things I love, evil, evil and more evil. And the Mighty Ducks movies.
But don’t fret. There are only a handful of things I truly, truly hate. I have listed them below so that you may know what you’re missing once I have seized control of the internet. DO NOT torment me with my pet peeves or you will feel my wrath! And my wrath is an itching, burning sensation right in the center of your back, where you can’t reach!

1. Teacup Pigs
Ooh, I hate their shifty, squinty eyes. They’re hiding something siniser, I just know it. Like, “You won’t believe what I just did in this teacup.” Really, the combination of any farm animal and glassware just nauseates me to no end. No end!

2. Revolving Doors
Infinity in a glass wall. I spent a summer in on one of these once, searching for the exit until I finally found it in time for school. Too confounding even for my tastes. Plus, it’s the whole square moving in a circle thing, and I hate mixing shapes up like that. It’s why I also can’t stand Hollywood Squares.

3. Schwa
How does that lower-case e defy gravity so? And to what purpose? The schwa baffles science, which is totally my gig. Back off, schwa, you don’t see my coming to your work and unstressing vowels!

4. Sombreros
Sombreros confound me. I don’t know how to respond to them. Are they for happy times or sad times? The word “somber” is in the name, but people wear them to parties and parades, not funerals and math class. If you figure out what you’re all about, Sombrero, I might forgive you. Might.

5. The Wave
Mass chaos! I usually love mass chaos, but not the audience participatory kind. Once you get swept into the carnivalesque atmosphere, you let your guard down. Then, you never know if some sneak will stick a pin, a pie, a land mine or a baby under you while you’re standing. That sneak might be me, but it might someone else trying to pay me back. And I will not stand for karmic retribution, even if I feel compelled to stand for the Wave. Pay it forward at your own peril, Haley Joel Osment!