Well, folks, that’s all about to change. Yes, today’s post will be all about intrigue, excitement, explosions and plenty of witty rejoinders. It will knock your socks off, in fact, even if you are an old person who wears a garter belt! Your heart will race, your stomach will churn. Your insides will be like NASCAR meets the Amana Colonies! (See, because of the racing and the churning and the thing with the thing and…) So, without further ado, let me introduce Part Seven!

After a brief word from our sponsor.

Has this ever happened to you? “Watch out for the-” “No, don’t touch that-” “Stop, stop you’re-”

Sure, we’ve all been in the dangerous and embarrassing situation of not being able to finish our sentences. The frustration! The agony! The, the frustration! Will there ever be a cure?

The short answer: Yes! With Sentence Finishizer 25000, you can finish your own sentences once again, and breathe easier knowing that your thoughts will have an end to them. It’s easy! Just point the Sentence Finishizer 25000 at your mouth, pull the patented finishizing trigger and voila! Your sentence is finished.

What’s more, the Sentence Finishizer 25000 can be programmed to finish your sentences in optimistic, pleasant ways. Just watch.

“Watch out for the- -hug I am about to give you!” “No, don’t touch that- -surprise birthday present, or the surprise will be ruined!” “Stop, stop, you’re- -much, much too perfect. Now, I must kill you. With kindness!”

Yes, the Sentence Finishizer 25000 will make you think and say things you never thought you’d think or say you’d say. Things like:

-Kiss me on the lips, stranger!
-Here’s fifty thousand dollars and thirty-seven cents, man with a gun pointed at my chest.
-Yes, your rigatoni does taste good when I eat it!
-No, please don’t stop poking me in the eye! I can still kind of make out random shapes and patterns!

And so much more. Also, if you act now, you won’t have to act later. What a bonus! That’s the Sentence Finishizer 25000. Order now!

We now return to The Greatest Story Ever Made Up, Part Seven, already in progress.

“Wow!” Vincent Fishbein gasped. “What was that?” His housicopter was parked behind an old, abandoned warehouse. Moments earlier, while Vincent was flying, minding his own beeswax, eating some beeswax dipped in chocolate, the copter had been attacked. Out of nowhere, a foreign object fell right out of the sky and struck the tail, knocking the copter off course and spilling beeswax and chocolate everywhere!

“Brawk! No damage to the tail, brawk!” Becky the talking bird reported.

“Whew! I thought for sure it was done for,” Vincent Fishbein said. “What do you think that was?”

Just then, the abandoned warehouse began to glow a bright blue. A low humming buzz emanated from its walls. “Brawk, I thought you said this was abandoned, brawk!” Becky said.

“It was, last time I checked,” Vincent Fishbein said. “Let’s check it out.” He hopped from the cab of the housicopter and snuck to the window. The warehouse was abandoned, spotless even. No boxes or machinery or even rodents or birds. But in the center of the warehouse was the cause of the blue glow and hum.

It was the Space Mummy. He had found a new home. And it wouldn’t be long before he tried to take over the world!

Seriously, like two days or something.

END OF PART SEVEN