Or are we?

Yes, we are.

In the middle of a corn field lived a most unusual family. The youngest, the hero of our story, was named Cassiopeia Birnbaum. She normally went by Cassie, and only broke out the full Cassiopeia for special occassions like book reports and getting in trouble with Mom. Her full name was fancy, like good china, and really only meant to be used when trying to impress someone.

Right about now, you’re probably thinking, okay, but what’s so unusual about this girl, other than the fact that she lives in the middle of a corn field and has a strange name? Well, be patient, I’m getting to that. Cassie’s father, Leopold, was a scarecrow, which accounted for why they lived in the corn field. Scaring crows, or Bird Spooking, as it is called by the professionals, is a demanding job requiring vigilance and tireless dedication. So Cassie’s mother, Lucinda, a baboon, built a small home near Leopold’s post. This way, he could not only keep the field free of crows, but he could watch over his family. A family that consists of a scarecrow, a baboon and their daughter, a scarecrow/baboon mix.

Told you they were a most unusual family.

Leopold and Lucinda met when Leo (as his friends call him) was in the Big City, looking for fame and fortune as a young scarecrow on the rise. He got an internship at Mae Dialuke, the cosmetics company known for their head-turning line of make-up. He was there as a night watchscarecrow, to ensure no one snuck into the labs and stole the secret formula for Mae Dialuke’s intriguing cosmetics. Slouched in an uncomfortable chair staring at seven closed-circuit televisions, Leo dreamed of the day he would fulfill his destiny and tower over fields of corn and/or soybeans, protecting them from all manner of winged predator. Then, he saw her.

Lucinda, or Lucy, was a test subject in Mae Dialuke’s labs, along with other animals. They were each subjected to various cosmetics, to ensure their safetyness before humans slathered them hither-thither and whatnot. Lucy was the test subject for their eye shadow, which coincidentally made her eyes pop like the cork from a popgun. It was love at first sight for Leo. He watched her nightly, sitting in her cage, doing crossword puzzles and eating bananas, pining for freedom. He knew what he had to do.

Late one night, he snuck into the lab, key in straw-stuffed hand, introduced himself, and unlocked Lucy’s cage. It was to be, at first, just a simple date. They had dinner at General Tso & Tso’s Chicken Palace, took in a late movie and a carriage ride around Middle of the Big City Park. When the time came for the date to end, Lucy pleaded with Leo not to return her to her cage. Leo knew if he did not, he would surely be fired. But he could not deny her her basic ape right to freedom.

And so they fled to the countryside, making a brief stop at the courthouse to marry. Leo, being a scarecrow, made a natural scarecrow, and was hired by the first farmer he met to oversee his corn field. Farmer Umber was perplexed by Leo’s spouse, but agreed to allow her to live in the field. Within the year, Cassiopeia was born.

Named after the constellation most visible above the field, Cassiopeia had her mother’s baboon body type, but instead of fur, she was covered in straw, like her father. Her parents worried that such an odd girl would be teased mercilessly by other young folk, but as it turned out, she also inherited her parent’s winning personalities. A child of good humor, humility and bravery, Cassie, if you haven’t guessed yet, is the hero of this story.

That’s right. A sweet, innocent ten year old daughter of a baboon and a scarecrow will save the Earth from an evil Space Mummy with terrifying powers and a metallic fist of fury and metal.

I may have already written myself into a corner.

Wait! I can still add more friends and characters. Sometimes I forget I’m an Unreliable Narrator.

Or do I?

END OF PART TWO