Dear The Nefarious Dr. Wilhelm Skreem,
You are so awesomely awful. I am but a lowly citizen, law-abiding and apple consuming. I do not, as far as I am aware, have any arch nemeses. The closest thing would be eggs, which I am allergic to, or my basketball skills which fail me. I was hoping against hope that you would give me the displeasure of being my special villain. Do you dislike me? Please check one:
-Yes
-No
-Maybe
Signed,
Scooter Howards
Dear Scooter,
Thank you for your interest in being The Nefarious Dr. Wilhelm Skreem’s arch nemesis. After careful consideration, he has chosen another applicant whose skills more suit the needs of his arch nemesizing. Particularly, his basketball skills. We appreciate your interest and hope you die of egg consumption.
Bwah-ha-ha,
The Nefarious Dr. Wilhelm Skreem
Dear The Nefarious Dr. Wilhelm Skreem,
Can you help settle a bet for me? My boyfriend says you have been foiled by your own evil scheme a baker’s dozen of times, but I say you have been foiled 13 times. He counts the time the Cursed Cocktail of Rory exploded in your face and all over the kitchen wall, but I say that scheme does not qualify as it was hijacked so early in its conception. Please respond, a cheeseburger pizza is at stake!
Yours truly,
Belinda Automobilelisle
Dear Ms. Automobilelisle,
You and your boyfriend can leave your stupid comments in your pocket! None of my plans have backfired; they are all part of a grand design. You just think I’m a slapstick super villain, when in fact I am completely competent and what’s more, when I do finally succeed at my evil scheme, you and the rest of the world will cower in fear of my surprising success!
Sorry about your cheeseburger pizza,
The Nefarious Dr. Wilhelm Skreem
Dear The Nefarious Dr. Wilhelm Skreem,
Boo!
Signed,
A Ghost
Dear A Ghost,
Aaaaaah!
Sincerely,
The Nefarious Dr. Wilhelm Skreem
You can write to the Nefarious Dr. Wilhelm Skreem at:
The Nefarious Dr. Wilhelm Skreem
Invisible Subatomic Submarine
Secret Ocean X
Box 451
Evilton, Wisconsin, 90210
Cotton Candy Beard 
Hmm, I don’t think I have enough stamps to convince a postal carrier to take a letter to Dr. Skreem’s invisible subatomic submarine in Secret Ocean X. Does Dr. Skreem have e-mail?
What if the “e” is for “evil”?
You certainly can e-mail the Nefarious Doc, but the e doesn’t stand for evil. It stands for eel. He has trained eels that deliver his mail to him. Electric eels for the electric mail.