THE NEFARIOUS DR. WILHELM SKREEM’S FURIOUS FIRING OF HIS INADEQUATE INTERN

Bwah-ha-hey! Who left this pile of Mary Todd Lincoln logs lying in the middle of the- Clark! Clark! Lousy intern. Get in here, Clark! There you are. What did I tell you about picking up after yourself? Why do I have to remind you over and over again? Why am I constantly repeating myself? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why, Clark? Why?
You- you’re crying. There, there. The Nefarious Dr. Wilhelm Skreem didn’t mean anything by it. Don’t cry. Yet. I’ve only just begun, Clark. I’ve been reviewing your work, and to say that I’m displeased would be an understatement. I am highly displeased. There, that’s more like it. I gave you the simple task of documenting my designs for the Floodolpater, and you completely screwed that up. Probably too busy listening to your experimental trip-hop music and popping Pezzes to pay attention and show some respect for my hare-brained schemes. My formula was poetic in its simplicity: H2O plus EVIL= Floodolpater, flooding the entire world with wet, wicked water, leaving me in my invisible subatomic submarine to rule over this water world. Bwah-ha-ha! Genius, no?
But, let’s take a look at what you transcribed from my insane and intricate calculations, shall we? H2O, that’s right, you got that part exactly right. It’s the other half, the most important part of the evil equation where things went putridly pear-shaped. Instead of EVIL, you wrote FUN. FUN, in case you weren’t aware, is not the same as EVIL. It’s not even in the same ballpark. No, FUN is the exact opposite of EVIL. It’s the National League of adjectives, whereas FUN is the other one. It’s like the Red Sox versus the Hornets. I don’t know these things, I don’t watch football. Regardless! It is very, very, wrong what you did. Do you know, Clark, what you get when you combine the elements H2O and FUN? A Slip N Slide! Does that sound evil to you? No! Because it isn’t! The only people who fear the Slip N Slide are little brothers with fractured wrists, who really, really want one and then the doctor says no. That’s the only scenario where a Slip N Slide is considered menacing. Trust me, I ran the tests on this.
No, no, I’m not a mad scientist. I’m just a disappointed scientist. When I called Big Brothers, Big Sisters, I figured I’d be getting someone older than me, preferably with a hunchback and large hands for manual labor. I pictured us bending electricity and exhuming corpses, maybe meeting another scientist and his lab assistant for bridge. But you, Clark, you have no hunchback; your spine is perfectly straight. Your stupid spine, stupid! Stupid! And don’t get me started on those dainty little baby hands of yours. I’ve never seen hands that tiny before. Your hands are smaller than an Alaskan folk singers! No one, not even the rain, has such small hands. And the rain has no hands, Clark! So that statement makes no sense!
Maybe I should have clarified that I didn’t want to mentor a seven year old, or sent you on your way when you showed up at the hatch of my invisible subatomic submarine. But, you know what they say; when life gives you lemons, deal with it. You know what I- what are you doing? Are you making faces at me? Real mature, Clark! If you’re not careful, your face will freeze that way. I’ve got Freeze Spray right here and I know how to use it. Don’t make me turn this invisible subatomic submarine around, Clark, so help me. And eat your vegetables, they’re full of nutrients and whatnot, and I don’t want to eat them. And don’t try any of that I’m full business, Buster. Don’t you know there’s starving kids in the world? I should know, I’m starving them with my Food Withholdutron 3000. So eat up, or I swear I’ll- I’ll…
Ah, I can’t stay mad at you. But I will once I concoct the Antidote for that Mood-Altering Mickey you slipped me. In the meantime, I’m dropping you off at this Kids, Incorporated knock-off, Youngsters, LLC. Hope you can dance, Clark! Begone!

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