Aloha, awestruck audience. I am the Nefarious Dr. Wilhelm Skreem! Make the sound of my last name at my malevolent multilingualism. Bwah-ha-ha! Or should I say Ha-ha-bwah? Or Ha-bwah-ha? Ha-bwah-bwah? Ha-bwah-ha-ha-bwah-bwah? Let me consult my handbook. Let’s see… The Power of Sinister Speeches in Thunderstorms, What Color is Your Escape Pod, What to Expect When You’re Reanimating… Ah! Laughs-comma, Evil. Bwah, then ha and then again ha. It turns out I was right the first time. Bwah’s before ha’s.
I apologize, my cowered crowd, if I seem to be second-guessing myself. This Hugger-Mugger Handbook is supposed to be the gateway to world domination, the most evil self-help manual since Who Moved My Cheese. According to the dust jacket, The Hugger-Mugger Handbook “reveals the whispered wisdom of the greatest villains, that the unholy power of negative thinking leads to destruction, terror and unhappiness. The Wicked Dr. Rhonda Burning-Gaze reveals the tricks of the trade, the Secret, if you will, to unleashing the Laws of Repulsion. In no time, you will be in control of your own destiny, as well as everyone else’s.” So you can see why I insist on following it to the terrible T! The Hugger-Mugger Handbook has been endorsed by all the great evil geniuses: The Thorax, Hawks the Arm-Wrestling Falcon, underworld mob boss Tony Brain-in-a-Jar, and it was a book club selection for Oprah’s evil twin, Overthrowprah. Soon, just by thinking negative thoughts, I will rule the world, just like them! Bwah-ha-ha!
I understand if you’re skeptical. I was at first myself. Yes, the Nefarious Dr. Wilhelm Skreem had his doubts. I’m not totally inhuman, just this panther forearm, shark torso and my flamingo knees. Yes, flamingo knees. Have you seen a flamingo bend at the knees? They’re the most flexible joints in the universe. The world, even! Make fun all you want, but while you’re barely crouching in terror, I’m bent on taking over the world, literally. Because of the bent flamingo knees, and the.. never mind.
Anyhow, after reading the testimonials on the back cover and skimming the afterword by the ghost of Ayn Rand, I’m certain The Hugger-Mugger Handbook will lead to my imminent rise in eminence. Why, just this morning I dreamed up a laser beam that shoots cake at small children, but a dry, stale cake with no frosting. I’ve also been working on reversing the Earth’s orbit by wearing my shoes backwards. I can’t tell yet if it’s working, but have you ever tried wearing your shoes backwards? You can’t help but think negatively, it’s a win-win!
So, the next time you see me, you’ll be kneeling down before me. I mean, if I follow this book’s teachings and reached selfish self-actualization, there’s no way I can’t succeed! Ha-bwah-ha! Oh, wait. I mean, Bwah-ha-ha! Gotta write that down. Bwah, then ha, and then again ha. I have some serious studying to do. Begone!
I forgot about the phrase “Hugger Mugger!” Delightful.
I would love to hear all this junk performed in podcast form.