Ah! Hello there, glad you could drop in. I am, of course, the Nefarious Dr. Wilhelm Skreem, evil laugh. Oh, excuse me, that was a stage direction. Bwah-ha-ha! Tremble with terror at my Evil Uneven-Temperedness! Wail with woe at my Sinister Short-Sleeved Shirt! Howl in fear at my Fur-Bearing Fore-Arms! Screech with… speech at my hypnotic hand gestures!

Since we last spoke, I have been a busy little mad scientist. Busy like a mad fox scientist! I’ve barely had time to cackle maliciously and curse the meddlesome do-goodniks that thwart my every move, what I like to call “me time,” and what the Grammar Police refer to as “I time.” But all my work has not been in vain. No, it has been in my secret hideout, in a hush-hush location known only to me. It has no physical address, just coordinates. And it’s not in Utah. Anyhow, you best prepare to behold my latest and bestest creation.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Nefarious Dr. Wilhelm Skreem, have you not learned your lesson yet? All of your other creations have been complete failures. Certainly you’ve given up by now.” Well, I never give up, and don’t call me Certainly! You see, unlike other lazy evil geniuses, I am highly motivated by a lust for power and a mad mind bent on doing devious deeds the likes of which you’ve never seen! Bwah-ha-ha! I’m also motivated by the most adorable poster of a beagle high-fiving a kitten with the caption, “Bark My Words, We’re a Purr-fect Team!” They’re just so cute; I want to eat them up! But who knows where that picture was taken, and I don’t have time to hunt down cute animals, let alone prepare them properly.

For you see, I have finally- finally- created the perfect weapon in world domination! And he is not cute in the slightest! I even removed the little pink bow that appeared in the original schematics. Yes, he’s fifty feet of pure terror! A monstrous nightmare from which you cannot awake! A horrible beast of appallingly pernicious proportions! “Bark” my words, you will go creature over my ape! I mean, you will go ape over my creature! Bwah-ha-ha!

He is a giant slime monster with teeth of steel and eyes of fire! He breathes noxious gas from his furious nostrils of fury and his claws are made of rusty nails! Rusty! His Latin name is Creaturus Insanitare Nefarious Dementible Yeticus or C.I.N.D.Y. for short. And he will strike fear into the hearts of your minds, despite his feminine-sounding name! Your worst nightmare is just behind this door! Prepare for putrifying petrification! Or.. the other way. You’ll see what I mean as I open the door!

Or not. Oh, wait. Is that.. yes, that’s him. There he is. All the way down there! Why is he so teeny-tiny like that? It seems I mistakenly replaced the fifty in my calculations with five, and the feet with inches. He’s a five-inch slime monster! And actually, he is kind of cute. I should’ve left that pink bow in after all. Curses! I wanted C.I.N.D.Y. the slime monster to roar mightily and frighteningly, not mildly and inconspicuously. Foiled by adverbs again! Oh, well. You will still cower in fear at the sight of C.I.N.D.Y., my most terrifying creation, if you study him up close with a magnifying glass! Bwah-ha-ha! I’ll just place him in the sun like so, and- oh, no! He’s melting! Stop! Stop! Wow, C.I.N.D.Y. the five-inch slime monster is super-flammable. Don’t try this at home, kids.

Curses! My creation melted in the sun, like a dream deferred or something. But I shall have the last laugh. Bwah-ha-ha! See? No one else is laughing, so there! Now if you don’t mind, I have a fifty-foot slime monster to create. Let me grab my Abacus of Astonishment and correct these calculations. Trust me, when I’m done with this monster, you’ll be quaking in your boots or sandals or tap shoes or other footwear of choice. Bwah-ha-ha, and begone!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s