Tippecanoe and Tyler Too is a shortened version of Tippecanoe and Tyler Too, Not to Mention Alice and Jimmy and Beardy McBeebeard and Chatto the Talking Mime and Their Horses.

“I cannot tell a lie,” said young George Washington. “This pudding tastes like vomit.”

The Civil War pitted brother against brother, and in the event of an only child, brother against imaginary brother.

The first American flag was based on a dream Betsy Ross had, and originally had more dinosaurs on escalators and bears eating egg salad sandwiches.

“Go west, young man,” intoned Horace Greeley. “Someday you’ll be Errol Flynn.”

A hush fell over Gettysburg, like a humongous box full of bells and fragile china falling down a long flight of stairs, but much, much quieter.

“Really, now, Mary Todd, this has gone far enough,” Abraham Lincoln said, angrily tapping his foot. “Give me back my beard.”

“As a gift to you, America, here is the Statue of Liberty,” said the nation of France. “We named it after your super-cool trick football play.”