THE NEFARIOUS DR. WILHELM SKREEM!

Bwahhahah! I am the Nefarious Dr. Wilhelm Skreem! Cower with cowardice at my brilliant brilliance! Behold the power of the Evil Eyebrow! Tremble with fear at my Wicked Widow’s Peak! Marvel with… marbles at my Uncouth Underarm Aroma, if you dare!

If you are reading this, then no doubt my ingenious Deli-Kazaam satellite laser beam was a success and you are all my unwitting minions. Yes, it was I and my ingenious Deli-Kazaam satellite laser beam which turned all of your police officers, fire fighters, military personnel and anyone else standing in the way of my dream of world domination into true-life heroes- hero sandwiches! Bwahhahah! Try and stop me now, Officer Turkey and Swiss on Rye!

Now, I am sure the question on everyone’s lips is, “Nefarious Dr. Wilhelm Skreem, why does your name sound so familiar and strike so much terror in my pea-brained heart?” This is an exceptionally easy question for me to answer. Perhaps you were terrorized by my swarm of Ant-Bees, the fire ant/ killer bee hybrids I released upon the world two summers ago. Sure, they didn’t so much kill their victims as ply them with home cooking and referred to everyone as, “Opie,” but the Ant-Bees were traumatic in their own way. And yes, The Attack of Enormous Fish Fillet was my doing, and I realize it backfired on me, when it turned out the fish I Enormousized was, “just a sole whose intentions are good,” but I maintain the shock of seeing an enormous fish fillet was damaging enough.

But now you all shall know me as your ruler, and no one will laugh at my crazed experiments anymore, except for me, bwahhahah! I, the Nefarious Dr. Wilhelm Skreem, am your Supreme Commander, and you shall all do my bidding, as soon as I find out who’s at my door. Hold on one moment. Just peep through my villainous venetian blinds and spoil myself for the surprise guest at the door. What’s this? An army of sandwiches is lined up on my front lawn, rolling up their sandwich sleeves for a serious bout of me-punching, and ruining my hostas to boot. This does not look promising. I didn’t realize my Deli-Kazaam satellite laser beam wouldn’t turn them into actual sandwiches, just give them sandwich-like qualities. It actually makes all those police officers and fire fighters and military personnel look more menacing. And looking at my blueprints I see now where my calculations were off, I forgot to carry the one! Blast! To the escape pod!

You’ve won this round, you heroic, competent fools! But I’ll be back! And next time, I won’t fail nearly as spectacularly. Bwahhahah!

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