Faithful readers, I bring you news both good and bad. First, the good news. I was enjoying a delicious cup of Lady Grey tea with a very dear friend of mine, the pumpkin-headed, pillbox-hatted socialite Jackie O’Lantern the other day, whiling away the afternoon in her rooftop garden, listening to her recall all the lavish parties and important functions she had attended throughout the years. She was just beginning to describe the dress she wore to the Scarecrow Ball (more on that later) when we were interrupted by the arrival of our mutual friend, monster anthropologist Bananas Foster. He descended from the clouds in his auto-gyro and hopped off as quickly as he could. Bananas can be a very friendly fellow, and he is quite dapper, in his leather jacket and scarf and authentic aviator helmet. But when he is intent on something, he has an unbreakable focus. He marched over to us, and we both offered him tea but he didn’t notice, just launched into a speech regarding the rumors of a new creature in the frozen tundras of the North. The natives call it the Tear- Streaked Yeti, because it is supposedly the saddest abominable snowman in existence. They also claim it is a heartless beast that would swallow you whole without so much as a please or thank you. He asked if we would both be interested in joining his expedition to find the Tear-Streaked Yeti and get the real story. Of course we both jumped at the chance, which leads me to the bad news: we take off for the tundras tomorrow. While I will provide a full report on whatever becomes of us once I return, it will not be for another month.

And so, I apologize for the lack of updates to follow, but rest assured that once I return, so will the new stories. Until then, I must be off. Avanti!


  1. Mr. Hansen, I failed to wish you a happy birthday when indeed it was your birthday. This was an error of such great ignominy as to be abhorrent to nature. As we have seen with the Higgs Boson, things sufficiently abhorrent to nature will sometimes reach back in time to prevent their own creation ( It is my sincere belief that my failure to wish you a happy birthday while indeed it was your birthday was an error so abhorrent to nature that, like the Higgs Boson, it will reach back through time to prevent its own creation, and the following birthday wish will reach you sometime yesterday morning, just as you sat down for your H’eggs and Bacon.

    Mr. Hansen, on the anniversary of the day the universe thought better of not having you in it, may I be the first to congratulate you on your continued existence. May today’s celebrations be full of frolic and chock-full of chalk cheer befitting a recognition of your birth and life, and amiably foreboding a year of warm and pleasant tidings whose benefit will only be matched or exceeded by each year to follow.

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