NEFARIOUS DR. WILHELM SKREEM’S TEN QUICK TIPS TO BEING AN EVIL GENIUS, PART FOUR

1. If you shoot a man in Reno, only do it to watch him die

2. If you shoot a woman in Reno, only do it never.

3. If you shoot a dog in Reno, be prepared to be very, very sad.

4. If you shoot a cat in Reno, I’m impressed! Those cats move fast!

5. If you shoot a film in Reno, do it digitally. It’s cheaper.

6. If you shoot a short in Reno, do it on film. It’s artier.

7. If you short a fuse in Reno, call Bernard. He’s a reliable electrician.

8. If you short a sheet in Reno, short the sheet of your shweetheart.

9. If you shweet your shreet in Reno, be shure to shriek shritely shorn schlopsticks.

10. If your name is Rio, dance along the sand.

THE NEFARIOUS DR. WILHELM SKREEM’S REPULSIVE RECIPE FOR OATMEAL COOKIES

0 Oatmeal

0 Chocolate

100 lbs. Used Water

Feet

Armpit Noises

Angry Stares (to taste)

300 cups flour

300 cups sugar

30 cups more flour

Beets

Place the flour and sugar on the floor. Leave them there for six months. Befriend the ants that

congregate. Overthrow the ant queen and become ruler of the ant colony. Enlarge the ants and

take over the world. Then breed the ants and sell them. Lose all your money to a champion ant

breeder; retire from your dictatorship in disgrace. Or, throw out all the flour and sugar, just eat

the beets. Gross!

NEFARIOUS DR. WILHELM SKREEM’S TEN QUICK TIPS TO BEING AN EVIL GENIUS, PART THREE

1. Never whistle, unless your whistle sounds like a Theremin.

2. Never hum, unless your hum sounds like a laser warming up

3. Never play the trombone, unless sadly

4. Never play the harmonica, unless you play harmonic dirges

5. Never play bongos.

6. Play my patented invention, the Discordian, poorly, to create global discord

7. If you’re incapable of playing the Discordian poorly, go to the Crossroads and make a deal with

the devil for extra evil points!

8. Play the singing saw, as often as you can.

9. Play the screaming saw, even more often.

10. Lastly, your singing voice should be high-pitched to torture dogs.

THE NEFARIOUS DR. WILHELM SKREEM’S AWFUL AD FOR A ROBOT ASSISTANT

Bwah-ha-ha! Now that I have your attention, please read further.

Are you a robot? If not, are you willing to learn to be a robot, or through the use of my

supercomputer in the Grand Canyon, be turned into one?

Are you an evil robot? If not, are you willing to learn to be an evil robot, or allow me to upgrade

your programming in a most malicious manner?

If the answer is yes to any and all of these questions, congratulations! You have passed my

terrible test, and could be on your way to the opportunity of a lifetime! A lifetime full of devious

deeds! A lifetime full of atrocious acts! A lifetime full of excessive exclamation points!

I, the Nefarious Dr. Wilhelm Skreem (yes, the nefarious Nefarious Dr. Wilhelm Skreem) am

looking for an evil robot assistant to assist, robotically. With what, you ask? Let me list it for you:

-Filing putrid poisons in my lethal liquid file cabinet

-Assembling death and near death rays in my gasp-inducing garage

-Fending off fiendish foes who would dare keep me from world domination

-Light clerical work and some cleaning

If you meet the above criteria, we could be in business, robot partner! Please write to me care

of Invisible Sub-Atomic Submarine, underwater USA 50625. No fatties.

THE NEFARIOUS DR. WILHELM SKREEM’S TEN QUICK TIPS TO BEING AN EVIL GENIUS, PART TWO

1. Christmas cardigans are evil. Button-eyed reindeer bore through your soul.

2. Other cardigans are not evil. Especially zippered ones. Too goody-goody

3. High-fives are evil, especially fifty-foot high-fives.

4. Fist bumps are not evil, unless it’s a fist to the face bump!

5. Gloves are not evil, unless fingerless.

6. Gloves with fingers but no palm are not evil, just obnoxious

7. Scarves only with Christmas cardigans.

8. Mix your plaids, and your navy blues and browns.

9. Pullover sweaters are neutral, except deep v-necks. Oh, the hypnotic deep v!

10. Lastly, wear tap shoes everywhere, especially the shower. The acoustics in the shower will send

those taps throughout the neighborhood!

THE NEFARIOUS DR. WILHELM SKREEM TRIES HIS HEINOUS HAND AT HORRID HAIKU

Bwah-ha-ha, I say

My laugh is evil times ten

Twenty bwah-ha-has

My life is submerged

Invisible submarine

Where did I leave you

Monsters I have wrought

Death rays clutter my closet

But pie crust is hard

My heart’s made of hate

Love is the true enemy

Don’t push it, kitten

Begone, you, for now

But don’t begone for always

I miss ruling you

THE NEFARIOUS DR. WILHELM SKREEM’S TEN QUICK TIPS TO BEING AN EVIL GENIUS, PART TWO

1. Christmas cardigans are evil. Button-eyed reindeer bore through your soul.

2. Other cardigans are not evil. Especially zippered ones. Too goody-goody

3. High-fives are evil, especially fifty-foot high-fives.

4. Fist bumps are not evil, unless it’s a fist to the face bump!

5. Gloves are not evil, unless fingerless.

6. Gloves with fingers but no palm are not evil, just obnoxious

7. Scarves only with Christmas cardigans.

8. Mix your plaids, and your navy blues and browns.

9. Pullover sweaters are neutral, except deep v-necks. Oh, the hypnotic deep v!

10. Lastly, wear tap shoes everywhere, especially the shower. The acoustics in the shower will send

those taps throughout the neighborhood!

THE NEFARIOUS DR. WILHELM SKREEM TRIES HIS HEINOUS HAND AT HORRID HAIKU

Bwah-ha-ha, I say

My laugh is evil times ten

Twenty bwah-ha-has

My life is submerged

Invisible submarine

Where did I leave you

Monsters I have wrought

Death rays clutter my closet

But pie crust is hard

My heart’s made of hate

Love is the true enemy

Don’t push it, kitten

Begone, you, for now

But don’t begone for always

I miss ruling you

THE NEFARIOUS DR. WILHELM SKREEM’S TEN QUICK TIPS TO BEING AN EVIL GENIUS, PART ONE

1. Don’t do good. This seems like a no-brainer, but if you see an old woman up a tree, or a kitten
crossing the street, don’t attempt to help them. Just point and laugh-evilly!

2. Laugh evilly. With a bwah-ha-ha or a mwah-ha-ha. No tee-hees or ho, ho, hos.

3. Your hair must be unkempt. Kempt hair is a sure sign of goodness, those strands of deadly

deadness must be free to roam about your devious dome.

4. Sip your tea loudly. It will annoy everyone. Everyone!

5. Use lots of z-words, like zip, zap, zoom, and Zantac.

6. Look over your shoulder.

7. Gotcha!

8. Fool people into looking over their shoulder.

9. If you have a robot assistant, the walking someone backward until they trip over your robot

assistant, who’s hunched over is classic evil.

10. Finally, only eat rotten fruit. Frowning bananas, peaches with grudges, strawberries that don’t

tip.

THE NEFARIOUS DR WILHELM SKREEM’S KNOTORIOUS KNOCK-KNOCK JOKES

Knock, knock

Who’s there?

Evil

Evil who?

Evil laugh! Bwah-ha-ha!

Knock, knock

Who’s there?

Ray

Ray who?

Ray for to be scrambling your atoms! (Note: fix the syntax)

Knock, knock

Who’s there?

Gorilla

Gorilla who?

Gorilla modified to act upon my command. Attack!

Knock, knock

Who’s there?

Nefarious

Nefarious Dr. Wilhelm Skreem?

No

Oh. Nefarious Dr. Wilhelm Skreem who?

Nefarious Dr. Wilhelm Skreem’s fists! Bam! Pow!

Knock, knock

Who’s there?

Banana

Banana who?

Knock, knock

Who’s there?

Banana

Banana who?

Knock, knock

Who’s there?

Banana

Banana who?

Knock, knock

Who’s there?

Banana

Banana who?

Knock, knock

Who’s there?

Laser bazooka

Laser bazooka who?

Laser bazooka I didn’t say banana? Also, kra-thoom-zap!