HAT & TIE

“Tie! My guy! How’s it hanging?”

“Long and narrow, hat, long and narrow. How is life at the top?”

“Not as lonely as they say. Not with you around, anyway.”

“We do make a great team, don’t we, hat?”

“We certainly do, tie, we certainly do.”

“Shame about cummerbund.”

“Crying shame. He was a real mensch. Still, he saw it coming.”

“And, and, and, it’s like I said, tastes are cyclical. He’ll be back.”

“Oh, you know it. Remember when hats were passé?”

“Those were dark times, indeed.”

“You’re telling me!”

“Have you met belt?”

“Not yet, but I’ve heard good things.”

“We’ll need to loosen him up, but I think he’s good accessory.”

“We’re masters of loosening, that’s for sure.’

“Too true, too true!”

CCB LIST: FORKS

If you’re ever at a fancy dinner, and are unsure which fork is used for which serving,

please refer to the list below. The forks are from outside the plate in. You’re welcome.

1. Salad Fork

2. Shrimp Fork

3. Poke Your Neighbor Fork

4. Pretend To Stab Your Eye Fork

5. Soup Fork

6. Invisible Spaghetti Fork

7. Fling Your Broccoli Over Your Shoulder Fork

8. Cheeseburger Fork

9. Gummi Bear Fork

10. Auxiliary Fork

MOM REASONS WITH PICTURE MONSTERS

“Hey, there, monsters.”

“Grr.”

“Look, I think you’re cute. Really, I do.”

“Grr.”

“You’re welcome. But, the thing is, not everyone thinks you’re cute.”

“Grr?”

“I know, I know. But late at night, when it’s just a bit too dark, and the only thing visible is your eyes or

your claws, it’s, and I quote, ‘kinda scary.’”

“Grr!”

“I get it, I get it. But try explaining that to a three-year old.”

“Grr.”

“No apology necessary. It’s out of your control. But listen, we’ve got a great new place for you.”

“Grr?”

“I know you guys, being monsters, would prefer to be in the closet, instead of out in the open on the

wall like this. Well, guess what?”

“Grr!”

“Yup! Enjoy, and we’ll see you when you’re no longer kinda scary.”

“Grr.”

CCB LIST: TEN UNRELATED THINGS

Alright, here’s another CCB List for you. This time, we have ten Things that are unrelated. I

swear.

1. Tyler Thing

2. Ramona L. Thing-Weston

3. Pete Wyatt Thing

4. Mildred Thing

5. Winona Patricia Hernandez Thing

6. Kyle Robert Thing, Jr.

7. Kyle Robert Thing III (related to a different Kyle Robert Thing, Jr. than #6)

8. Robot Thing

9. Benjamin Grimm

10. Thing T. Thing

HORSE & UNICORN: A PHONE CONVERSATION

“Hello, Unicorn?”

“Hello? Hello?”

“Unicorn?”

“Horse? Is that you?”

“Yes, it’s Horse here.”

“Sorry, Horse, my horn has a tendency to interfere with my phone. You wouldn’t understand.”

“Uh, no, I wouldn’t. I’m just a horse.”

“Hey, don’t get me wrong. I’d rather be a horse. Fitting in, normalcy, blandness.”

“Why did I call you?”

“Probably as a reputation-builder. You want people to know you know a unicorn. I get it.”

“I’m hanging up. You’re worse than Pegasus.”

“Hey, she’s here, too, you wanna talk to her?”

“I’m seriously hanging up now.”

“Pegasus, really unfurl your wings so Horse can hear it over the phone.”

“Goodbye.”

“Wait, Horse, we need to gloat some mo-“

CCB LIST: WORLD’S DEADLIEST ANIMALS

Good morning, and here is another helpful CCB list. Today’s list contains the ten deadliest

animals. Read with caution!

1. The Bully Frog

2. The Mean-Spirited Hummingbird

3. Jeff, the Catfish That Won’t Stop Calling You

4. The Bazookangaroo

5. The Fifty Story House Cat

6. The HyperAllergenic Dander Dog

7. Ninja Chameleon

8. Boring Unicorn

9. Alligator

10. That Thing Behind You!

PIRATE VS. TREE

“Aar! Me leg’s been chopped clean off!”

“Tsk, tsk. That’s a real bummer.”

“Ho there, tree. I din’t see yer there, in the forest full of trees.”

“Yup. What’s new, pirate man?”

“I find meself in a bit of a pickle. Could ye be sparin’ of some wood for a new leg?”

“Hmm. No can do, pal. Yeah, I’m using all this wood to be a tree. Sorry.”

“Aw, come now. Just a small bit of kindlin’, I swear ye wouldn’t miss it.”

“Negativo, compadre. Maybe you should check a hardware store, or online wood shop.”

“I asked ye nicely, now, bein’ a pirate, I’ll take what I want.”

“Not so fast.”

“Hey, stop, conkin’ me with those pine cones!”

“Back off, Stumpy!”

“Wait a second! I could use these to cobble a new leg!”

“Go for it.”

“Thank ye kindly, tree.”

“Don’t mention it. Just go away.”

CCB LIST: UNNECESSARY INVENTIONS

Welcome back to the CCB List, the first of four for this month. Today, we have ten inventions nobody

should invent, as they are completely unnecessary.

1. A misting device that allows you to ingest jelly beans without tasting them.

2. A robot designed to keep you from doing your taxes until early April.

3. Underwater underpants- underpants that can only be worn underwater.

4. A bicycle with frightened raccoons for wheels.

5. Designer t-shirts that are just neck holes made of Olestra

6. Tea. Because there’s already tea.

7. A box made of holes to store all your holes. How would you know which hole is the box and

which hole is your hole?

8. See-through glasses.

9. Noisy shoes for hide-and-seek. In neon colors.

10. Cowlick Creator for perfect hairdos.

I RETURN A FAILURE!(?)

Welcome back, prose. Remember me? I’m Cotton Candy Beard. You’ve not been around here for a long

time. But now you’re back, and better than ever! Right? Right?

So, the goal for 2014 was to write 500 poems. I did not. Go ahead and count them, it’s not 500. Not

even close, actually. (Secretly, I pretty much knew I wasn’t going to hit that goal. It wasn’t about hitting

the goal so much as generating new poems. If I had hit 500 poems in a year, I would surprised/pleased/

dead.)

BUT! I did write a whole bunch of poems, including haiku, which it turns out are super-fun to write. Who

knew I could rock the haiku? Not me, that’s who. Anyhow, now that I tried that little experiment, expect

to see lots more prose and other types of writing here. But there will be more poetry, lots more! And a

big thank you for all who started following me during this last year. Countless poetry bloggers found me

and followed me, thus introducing their blogs to me. Welcome, and I hope you enjoy the fun posts to

come. Coming Soon: CCB Lists and Dialogue! Stay Tuned!