We made it! We made it! 30 posts in 30 days. And they said it couldn’t be done! Fie on them, I say. A pox on their houses. Okay, not really. No house pox, but definitely fie on them.
This was super fun, and I’ll definitely do it again next year. It really forces you to just write every day, and not really think about it. Which is how you end up with haiku about owls with pipes. Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed it, and welcome to those of you who’ve started following this month.
I hope to do a bit more posting in the next month, but what I’m really excited about is my plan for next year. You may have noticed I enjoy writing poems. My goal for next year is to write 500 poems. That’s kind of a lot, you know. I hope I can do it!
O 29, My 29
To me you look rather divine
I mean it, man you’re looking great
Not a post over 28
We’re getting close to number 30
Shine your shoes and iron shirty
Take a bow, you’ve earned it friend
As this post is at a close.
I mean, end! Shoot, didn’t stick the landing.
I’m hopping on a choo-choo
And chugging to the moon
I’ll hold my breath until my lungs
Get properly attuned
The train will zoom through Outer Space
Past Mercury and Mars
You can say hi to constellations
From observation cars
I cannot wait to see a comet
And to touch its tail
Which I have heard is made of blubber
Not unlike a whale
The train runs on a special steam
That’s made from burning feathers
Of duck-shaped clouds that are corralled
In any inclement weather
And when the engine finally stops
At destination moon
We’ll all look down upon the Earth
And feel picayune
But not for long upon the moon
Will you feel that mood deflator
As you dance among the rocks and cheese
And bellow in the craters!
Greetings, Crime Stoppers! Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you all, from your favorite Dark Knight, The Batman. As I look out upon the snow-speckled roofs of Gotham City, my Bat-Eyes scanning for criminal activity, I feel the need to clear up a few misconceptions surrounding me. These rumors seem to crop up especially at this time of year, so I felt this was the perfect time to address them.
I do not smell. My Bat-Suit is awash in a Bat-Musk which smells of sandalwood, vanilla and a hint of bat.
Robin has not, nor will he ever lay an egg. As a human male, he is incapable of doing so. And if, say, The Penguin built an Egg Lay Ray and blasted Robin with it, I have a Bat-De-Egg-Layer shot to counteract it.
The last time a Batmobile lost a wheel, we installed a Bat Homing Device to ensure we’d never lose a wheel ever again. Ever. Again.
The Joker, sadly, has gotten away. Several times. But this is no time for celebration. When The Joker gets away, Robin and I do not shout, “Hey,” in a festive Bat Unison. We shout, “Hey,” in despair and Bat Alarm. As should all citizens who hate crime.
Anyhow, I hope this clarifies a silly schoolyard song. Batman out!
Bwah-ha-ha! I’m ba-ha-ack! Thought you’d finally rid yourselves of me, hadn’t you? Well, that question segues perfectly into my perilous post. Read my FAQ below and be enlightened. IF YOU DARE!
1. THOUGHT YOU’D FINALLY RID YOURSELVES OF ME, HADN’T YOU? Yes, you had. Once the Coast Guard inadvertently discovered my invisible subatomic submarine and torpedoed it, everyone thought I’d bought the farm. But I didn’t! Didn’t even lease it! I escaped via an underwater parachute (patent pending.) And I’m now living in an undisclosed fold-out couch. It may even be yours!
2. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HAIR? It’s as black as night and as my soul. Also, it’s got streaks of white from aging and from the blast of my submarine exploding.
3. HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT WEARING A HAT? I don’t know, have you? I like my hair, if you’ve got a problem with it, maybe you’re projecting. Have you thought about wearing a hat should be one of your own FAQs. That’s one to grow on.
4. WHATEVER HAPPENED TO YOUR BLOG? Uh, it’s still there. I’ve been hiding in this fold-out couch with no access to the internet. Did you read it?
5. NO, DID YOU? No. Nobody did. But hey, it’s still there.
6. ANY BROTHERS OR SISTERS? Spiritually, the Devil Himself, and Evil, Pure Evil. But otherwise, no. My family abandoned me at an early age, so I had no parents or siblings or aunts or uncles or grandmothers or grandfathers or nieces or nephews or cousins or second cousins or third cousins. They’ve all been removed.
7. SLAP BRACELETS, YEA OR NAY? Yea, especially pink.
8. WHAT’S YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER? 61152-Wait a second!
9. ALMOST HAD YOU, DIDN’T I? Yes, you evil so-and-so! You’re almost as evil as I.
10. BUT HOW CAN THAT BE? It could only mean one thing…
11. ARE YOU ME? We are we! The one and the same! I am typing the questions and the answers and the questions, in a cursed conversation with myself.
12. ANY LAST WORDS? Begone!
“Hey, Tuna! Que pasa?”
“Cheeseburger! How dare you speak to me!”
“Huh? Que is pasa,, hombre?”
“You don’t remember? We were supposed to meet for racquetball.”
“Oh! Tuna, I totally forgot. I had Banana’s birthday party, and it’s Cheeseburger Tax Season, you know. I’ve had a lot on my mind.”
“Well, I had to play against Koala. And you know how good he is.”
Man, that cat is a legend!”
“So, naturally I lost.”
“And my ranking is all shot.”
“Tuna, I am sorry. I completely spaced.”
“Tell you what. Let me make it up to you.”
“Tuna and Cheeseburger: The Slumber Party.”
“I don’t know…”
“Yeah, we’ll crack open some root beers, listen to some old country records, maybe even break out the Ouija board!”
“Don’t suppose, be there! My place, tomorrow night, sharp!”
“…You got yourself a deal, Cheeseburger.”
“You know what? You are a good friend.”
“Like I always say, Cheeseburger comes through in the end.”